It’s pretty bad when…
It’s pretty bad when… someone you fall for realizes they shouldn’t have left you for the person they’re with. But yet you’re just about to get over them. I should have seen it coming, because it’s what I want more then ever. I’ve thought about it though, and I don’t want to get hurt again, or fall back in love with him. I WANT to, but I’m not sure I can deal with the pain again, because I had to hide it under a smile for a while. I don’t know what I want. I’m happy without a boyfriend, but I’m happy when I know I have him, but that right there isn’t quite stable of a fact. Or maybe I don’t even have a chance again, and I’m getting my hopes up. I tend to do that too much and I hate it. Just 2 more weeks of this, and I’ll be good. I’ll find some way to ignore it all, and move on. For now, I just need to focus on important things, and forget about roleplay. Too much drama.
Who cares?! / Friendships. / I hate love..
Why does everyone all of a sudden have to bash my taste in music, or bash my life? I don’t understand it. I’m tired of having fake friends, I’m tired of having people bash me [or my friends] for the stupidest stuff! I’m tired of having a life that isn’t real. I’m tired of loving someone who doesn’t even give a damn, if they hurt you. I’m tired of everything…
The way I look at it, music is, should be, and always will be a big part of life, I will agree to that. Music helps you escape reality in a way by distracting you, or making you feel better. Music helps you relate to situations other people have gone through. But when it’s to the point of where someone is willing to bash another friend over their taste in music, it’s gone wayy to far. I’ve had to put up with shit from people for the past 3 years about liking the Jonas Brothers. Do you think that has stopped me? No, it hasn’t. I don’t care where they started, how they got started or anything along those lines. Shouldn’t music be more about how good a band is, or how good their lyrics are? It seems as if that’s all it is anymore, is about where someone started or what kind of music is “in” at the moment. But you won’t give them the time of day [or any of my music choices for that matter] because it’ll probably “ruin your image” or “change your face of music” Who the hell cares!? I sertainly don’t! You shouldn’t judge someone by their taste of music. It’s just the same as if you were to judge someone by how they look, black or white. Inside we’re all the same. We’ve all gone through different sorts of hard times, and in the end it’s a benifit because you’re able to help someone else through something that you’ve been through. If you judge someone by their music, or anything along those lines, it’s so stupid and immature.
It’s people like you [megan] who makes me feel like I can’t trust telling anyone ANYTHING, because they take the littlest things and drag it way too far out of bounds to where its unnecessary. It’s like you don’t know anything other then “hard times” or how to “be happy” so you’re willing to put others down to get what you want. That’s now what being a friend is about.
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It’s even worse when your own “friends” supposively think you have a disease because you watch horror movies. It just means we’re willing to expand out movies and music ideas, and be able to still stay strong. It doesn’t make us a bad person, or messed up because we’re not like your other friends. I’m HAPPY I’m not like your other friends. I’m just me, and you can accept that. The last time I checked, friends are suppose to be there for you through thick and thin, and accept you for who you are and be there to support you, same goes with family. I know Emily’s parents arn’t mine, but things they say effect me too, because she’s my best friend they are like practically family to me. And what they said, just pisses me off to the highest level. People think that because we’re almost 18, we need to be going out and doing stuff, and if we don’t, we know nothing about the real world. I wish we could prove them wrong, cause both Emily and I have gone through way more heartbreaks and trials in our friendship, then they would even being to think. It’s what’s brought us closer throughout the years but no one seems to understand that. They should be happy that she’s not going out and getting fucked every night, like half of the 17/18 year olds in the world are. I’m saying this on both Emily’s part and my part. I’m perfectly happy with where I am right now, because I have accepted it. You have to accept your life before you can be happy, and if others can’t accept it, how can we? She will go where she wants to go, and I will go where I want to go, they’ll have to accept it. But anything along that line, I plan to have Emily right by my side catching me when I fall down, like a friend should do, and like she has done for in the past.
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There’s only two boys I’ve fallen hard for over roleplay. Brandon [Joe] and Jake [James]. I’ve told myself so many times to just get over Brandon, and I feel like I am over him. It’s just that I’ve wanted to be with him for so long, that trying to convince myself that it’s not going to happen and that I just need to give up, is the hardest part for me. It’s the fact that knowing he’s still out there that keeps me going, but it’s the fact that he might not care, that puts me down. I havn’t let anyone in that I’ve met on RP cuz I don’t want to get hurt again like I did, but guess what happened? Yep, I let someone in without even trying. I don’t know how or why I fell for him. He’s like the complete opposite of me but there’s just something about him that I can’t help but want him so bad. His and my relationship was like how I wanted. It wasn’t something about non-sense just because you’re desperate, but I know when he truely cares, and when he doesn’t. I thought I made him happy, but I guess someone else makes him happier. Someone who hurts him. That’s all I want for him, is to be happy but I’m hiding behind a smile because of it, and I can’t seem to tell him that. It takes alot for me to say “I love you” and mean it, and I want to tell him that but it’s hard considering the fact that I don’t know if the “I love you” I get in return would be the same, because I have a strong feeling that it’s not. I hate the girl he’s with, all she wants from him is sex and there’s someone right infront of him who would do anything to be with him. I bet you if you were to ask her questions about him, I’d know most of the answers, and she wouldn’t. He told me in the past that he trusts me more then her, shouldn’t that MEAN something!? I wish he could just see it, and he just wont. Until then, I’m left hurting and I can only hide behind a fake smile for soooo long until I fully break apart. Sometimes I’ll post bulletins late at night when I know he’s sleeping, that I wish he would read but I know he won’t. And if he does, he won’t think anything of it. I feel like he’s too wrapped up in his girlfriend to even care about me anymore.
I’m tired of fake friends, I’m tired of fake people. I started a life that isn’t real, so that I can be happy and be unbored. But now it’s pretty bad when you’re trying to escape a fake world, because it’s hurting you more then the real world. |:
The only thing keeping me from deleting right now, is the fact that I would be too bored and wouldn’t have anything to do. Or maybe it’s the fact that if I delete now, that’s all that will be on my mind, however with school it’ll be able to take my mind off of things. I want these last 3 weeks to be enjoyable, but I can’t if all I can think about is the boy who means so much to me, yet I mean so little to him.
